Author’s note:

The impetus for this story comes from my Brother-in-Law and it is dedicated to my Father-in-Law, due to his ever continuous inspiration on this subject.

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 “Butt has to go!” exclaimed Nose. “I’m done with it!” He was being held by Right Thumb and Right Index Finger, so his voice came out a bit muffled.

He paused breathing heavily. “Brain, can we get rid of Butt?”

Brain slowly turned her attention to Nose. “Hm? What did you say? I was thinking about something else.” She directed Right Hand and Right Arm to bring a piping hot mug of tea to Lips and Mouth.

“No, no wait, wait” Mouth said. “Please, wait. That looks too hot!”

“Bring it on!” said Tongue. “One shot of that and I won’t have to taste bran for a week!”

“Tongue, Mouth, I was talking!” Nose interjected. “Last night, Brain, you decided—along with Stomach—to have beans from El Guapolitos. And, yes, I know I told Brain that they smelled good, and, Eyes, you said they looked good. But, Lungs, don’t you remember you were gasping for oxygen all night last night?!”

And the only oxygen I and Mouth could get you was the little that was surrounded by the methane produced by Butt!” Nose was exasperated.

Brain stopped at that and looked at Lungs. “Is this true? Were you unable to get oxygen last night?”

Lungs looked up, “Well, it was a bit difficult some of the time, but not as bad as what Nose is saying. It’s not like I was being asphyxiated.”

“It was close!” Nose continued. “Heart, you started panicking a couple times, and, Lungs, you were breathing twice as hard as normal. I know! I was there, and I felt every breath! And worst of all, Butt stinks! None of you except maybe Mouth understands this! It is the worst thing ever!”

“I don’t know,” said a small voice at the other end of the room. “I was broken last year. That was pretty bad.” It was Left Pinkie Toe. “Remember, Brain, when I got caught on that hope chest and Left Foot kept going? That really hurt me!”

“Yes, that was pretty bad. And, Nose, I don’t think that…” Brain started to say, but Nose again butted in.

“Yeah, but that was one time. ONE TIME, I tell you!” His breath was coming in like a bull about to charge. “I have to smell Butt every time he passes gas! I mean seriously! Isn’t there another way?”

Left Pinkie Toe piped up again in her small quiet voice. “Yes, but it is nice to rest every once in a while, right?”

“What?!” said Nose.

“I said, it is nice to be able to sit down. Isn’t it Legs?” She said in a bit louder squeak.

Legs stopped walking and listened to this. “What, no Butt?! You looney?” His Cockney Accent in full swing. “You want me to support the lot of you and never be able to take a rest? You’ve gone bonkers! Feet and I have been married for such a long time, I know they’d never put up with that. Massages, lotions, now this. I’ll never hear the end of it. I vote no, and double no!” And with that Legs, Feet with Left Pinkie Toe in tow started to leave the room.

“Yeah, well, I have to breath his creations on a constant basis and never get a chance of reprieve! You have no idea! Hot air rises, so you hardly ever get the full brunt!” Nose yelled at the group as they were about out of the room.

“Whatever. You ever heard of a covered-wagon?” The Toes mumbled under their breath.

“Now hang on,” said Brain. “You both have good arguments. Legs, Feet, and Toes, please come back and let’s work this out.”

Reluctantly, they came back.

“Now, Nose your argument is that Butt passes really bad gas…”

“All the time!” Nose jumped back in.

“Not all the time,” Butt said dejectedly, like he was sitting in timeout. “And I do say Excuse Me, every time.”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you do it and that it does stink. Every time.” Nose said “every time” in the same sulking voice that Butt used. “I mean, just last week you were on that bus bench and you had Left Leg lean to do a one-cheek sneak. We were outside, and you still cleared the room!”

“But, that wasn’t just…”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Nose was not happy.

Brain continued as if all of this hadn’t happened. “And Legs, and Feet your argument is that you would like Butt to stay, because you get tired, and you want to be able to sit down.

“Now, Nose, I do know how bad the smell is. And it is considerable. And all y’all down below, I know how tired you get, and that, too, is something to think about. So I guess Butt’s fate comes down to a vote.”

So they voted. And it resulted in a tie.

Mouth, of course, sided with Nose, because they are like conjoined twins. And the Toes went with Legs and Feet, because when you get tired you get tired.

They seemed to be at an impasse; however, there were two other concerned parties who hadn’t voted.

All this while, Stomach had been dozing, but he finally woke up.

“Hey Mouth, I’m hungry! Hey! Hey! Hey!” Like a rabid dog, Stomach was up and at ‘em, begging for food from Mouth.

Nose jumped in. “Hey, Stomach! What do you think about getting rid of Butt?”

Stomach stopped for a microsecond. “I don’t care. I’ll go with you, if you put something in me right now. How about a cow? No. Ok. Something smaller?”

The other concerned party was Intestines. Like any Intestines, it takes a moment for him to digest anything. He looked around the room at everyone else one-by-one. And asked very slowly, “Where will it go?”

This caught Nose off-guard. “The gas? Well, do we need it?”

Mouth piped up. “I think we do. I mean, Stomach makes me burp all the time. We’ll have to get rid of it somehow.”

“Well, what about you?” Nose said, “Could you do it, just like when you burp?”

Mouth paused. “I guess so. As long as Stomach can get it back from Intestines. And, of course, as long as it doesn’t stink.”

“Is that possible? Stomach, can you get the gas from Intestines? Just the good gas not the bad gas?”

Nose was now the mediator. Something was jogging his memory. He felt as if the slope he had brought the tour bus to was crumbling below the front axle.

Intestines said one more thing. “I wasn’t only talking about the gas.”

Everyone stopped. Except for Butt. For this thought turned into a small smile across his face.

Eyes got really wide, Nose started sneezing, and Mouth tried to convince Hand to get some Mouthwash or even some soap. Jaw, however, instinctively clenched, and Lips pursed so hard they turned from red to white in a single moment.

Again Left Pinkie Toe raised her small voice. “All in favor of Butt staying?”

Unanimously, the “ayes” had it. Butt was voted to stay. And there was never another discussion about how much his gas smelled.

He did, however, continue to say “Excuse Me” every time he passed gas, as a polite Butt should.